When Tara was little, I put so much additional stress on myself by trying to manage my family perfectly. As her stepmom, I felt I was under extra scrutiny. “They” were watching & waiting for me to fail.
To be clear, Scott, my husband, did not put any of this on me.
I thought she was to be fed, dressed & brushed, & to school on time with signed papers & completed homework neatly tucked into her backpack.
In the afternoons, I was to leave my job, pick up Tara from school, feed her a snack, complete her homework, bathe, & dress her in PJs, so she & Scott could enjoy their evening together. And, of- course, dinner on the table by 7 PM.
It doesn’t sound like much. I even thought our parent-to-child ratio was good- two adults to one child- no problem!
Except it was. The Leave It to Beaver image I had in mind was impossible in real life. I was sure everyone else could do it, just not me.
These high expectations of myself & Tara were just too much; I sometimes yelled like a crazy lady.
Scott would come home from work; I would hand him Tara & burst into tears, drowning in failure, feeling like I was not a good wife, stepmom, etc. I just could not get it done.
Now, I can see that my only job was keeping the kid alive. And I could do that. It was a bonus if she was fed, clean, and her homework done.
I had impossible perfectionistic expectations, but now I know I can step back, look at them & decide if I want to keep those expectations or not.
The simple question I ask myself is: according to whom?
IE, a clean house. Does that include windows? Wiping inside every drawer & cupboard? The corners of the bathroom floor and the baseboards? My ‘clean’ is different from my mom’s and my sister’s, so who gets to say?
Me. I do. I get to say, along with Scott & Tara. And you do, for your family, too.
PS “According to whom” works well for any enoughness. Try it out for yourself. Pretty enough, thin enough, good enough, successful enough, smart enough… what does that look like & according to whom?
PPS If you’d like help with your perfectionistic tendencies, this is exactly what I teach my clients to do. I’m booking end-of-year consult calls now. Book one for yourself so we can see if coaching is the right fit for you.
