Blog

And here we are today, celebrating our 15th Anniversary. (Well, a week ago yesterday.) We’re happier together now than we’ve been for the past decade. What??!! Yes, it’s true. Our friends and family might be surprised to hear this- we looked okay on the outside, but we were very not okay in our relationship.

For us, each of us was unhappy within ourselves, and then we did not bring our best selves to our relationship. We had a slow and insidious decline of our marriage, over a decade long; it was barely noticeable until we couldn’t NOT see it anymore. We were no longer on the same team; we no longer supported each other to be the people we wanted to be; we no longer respected and honored each other as we should.

Because we were at ground zero, we had a unique opportunity to decide if we wanted to be together and fight for this relationship rather than fight with each other- because that was no longer an option. We had nowhere to go but up or out, and as always- there were choices.

In the end, we picked each other again, but this was just the beginning. The good news is: it worked- we’re happy together. We started to rebuild our relationship and our love. We took the time to find happiness within ourselves before bringing each of us to our relationship. I did my work, he did his work, and we did our work together. Let’s be clear, this was not an easy journey, and it’s certainly not a “one and done;” we have until the rest of forever to work on and improve our relationship, but we’re doing it, and we are happier for it.

continued…

By the spring of 2019, 6 months into voluntary unemployment, I was more miserable and unhappy than ever. It was wearing on my family. My marriage was on edge (for reals). I had everything I wanted, and I was still not happy. One particularly bad day, I heard a clear voice in my head say, “Stop looking everywhere else and look at yourself.” 

This realization stopped me dead in my tracks. I thought, “Oh my gosh! I HAVE been looking at everyone and everything else, and not at myself.” I knew right then and there that I had to get myself straightened out. If I had myself in alignment, true to who I want to be, and how I want to show up and was still having problems, then I could better deal with those problems, from that place of alignment. I would know that it was not me causing or creating these problems, but truly whatever else was outside of me. And so, my journey began.

When I came across Jenna’s post in February of 2019 (see previous post), I was six months into voluntary unemployment. My husband loving refers to it as my mid-life crisis. I prefer my version- I was figuring out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had a strong nagging feeling that there was something different, better, more for me to do with my life. I ignored this feeling for ~ 2 years; I kept trying to work with it. Instead, it was like I was playing a game of Tetris- trying to make all the pieces of my life fit together just so, but I kept running out of space and losing the game.

In the summer of 2018, I did the math a zillion times over & decided that yes, we could afford for me to not work for a while. Little did I know that upon quitting, I would lose myself even more. I lost my identity as a nurse and a manager, lost friends that I would see daily at work, and I fell further into unhappiness because, after all, I SHOULD be happy by now- I was doing exactly what I wanted, wasn’t I?

To be continued…

Do you know what your magic is?

I didn’t.

When I first scrolled to this post in February of 2019, I sat and stared at it. Hard. For a long time. And then I got tears in my eyes. I knew I had magic, but I did not know what it was. I had completely lost myself. I didn’t know what I did like, what I didn’t like, what I wanted to do. Somehow, somewhere in the mix of life- marriage, mortgage, family, and work, I lost myself. I didn’t know where or why or how, but I knew that I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted anymore.

Somehow, I had stopped paying attention, and the worst part: I wasn’t even aware of it. I had a vague feeling that “something” was missing from my life for many years, but I could never put a finger on it.

Then I’d scroll to a post like this, and I started to pay attention and think about it. Hmmm, what was missing?

More to come…

Do you know you have control? Do you know you get to choose how to be; how to handle things? Do you know that it is within?

I’ve had two conversations with two different people this past week about things going on around them they didn’t like. Why me? Why did they do that? Why is this happening? It’s life, that’s why. Sometimes crappy things happen to good people. (And these two people happen to be extremely kind, loving, supportive, and giving people.)

PUT THAT DOWN.

It’s a choice- maybe not a natural choice, but it’s still a choice. Stick to the facts and review the situation. Just the facts- no emotion, feeling sorry for yourself, baggage, story, anything extra. Now look at it and think: what are my options? What can I do about this? What small action will move me forward? Then do it. And again, and next, and keep going.

Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Do you want to spend time, energy, or effort arguing? Proving you are right? Poor me, I didn’t deserve this; I’m a good person. You could spin around forever with that, or you can take action and get it done.

Consider: who is this serving? Is this helping me? Does this feel good? If no, then shift. What is more interesting? Where would you prefer to focus? What does feel good?

One way to start small: choose love over fear. Say- thank you, fear, but I’ll be over here with love. Then take action- an actual step toward that love.

Keep moving, one step forward, consistently, and you’ll get there.

This is my husband. He’s been talking about wanting to do portrait photography, and he lights up every time he starts talking about it. He has a vision and knows what he wants to do. He’s been saying- I just need to start taking pictures, I just need to take pictures. Yesterday, I saw him talking to a stranger; they walked a few feet away from where they were first standing, and then my husband started taking this guy’s picture. I thought- oh my gosh, he’s doing it! I was so excited for him. I almost couldn’t watch. I know that sounds silly, but that’s how I felt- like it was so intimate, I didn’t want to be just staring at them.

I feel honored to be at his side. I’m thrilled to support him on his journey to fulfill this, or any dream, while he becomes the man he wants to be.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone were brave enough to do what they were put on this earth to do?

Yesterday I had a bonus day off- it was unplanned, and I was excited to have off a day during the week. They reported 5 inches of snow on the mountain, so naturally, I headed up to go snowboarding. The vibe in the parking lot was high, everyone was excited about great turns, but within the first 3 minutes of my first run, I couldn’t see through my goggles. There was rime and lots of it. (If you’re not familiar with rime, it’s a thin layer of ice that settles on anything it can stick to, especially your goggles.) It’s aggressive, and pretty much impossible to ride in because it keeps building up on your goggles and obscuring your vision. I had to stop every few feet to try to wipe, scrape, or melt it off. I even took them off, which was a little better at first, but then my eyes were getting pelted with ice. Even my pants were covered in ice and quickly soaked through.

Before this past year of grace and growth, I would have almost certainly been very disappointed and upset that the weather was so terrible on my one day off. I would have felt angry, and I would have affected my mood for the rest of the day. Have you heard the phrase, “Any day on the mountain is better than a day at work?” That would not have been the case for me, as I would have spent the day being crabby about something I had no control over. Inevitably, my lousy attitude would have negatively affected those around me.

But yesterday I laughed.

I laughed at how ridiculously difficult it was trying to ride down, at how often I had to stop to try to scrape the rime off, and at the ice pelting my eyes. I laughed as we made funny faces on the chairlift, and we happily stopped for hot chocolate- twice. We left early and got wings for lunch and enjoyed our day together, despite the bad weather.
I have worked hard to change habits (and mindsets) that no longer serve me, and I choose to focus on laughing and having a good time. I get to decide who I am and what I am about, in every moment, laughing is so much more interesting to me than being crabby.