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Y’all, I am actually living the dream. 

When I quit my 9 to 5 two years ago, one of the reasons was because I wanted to travel and be location independent. Last week we went to Solana Beach for the weekend. We rented a convertible, swam in the sea, and enjoyed spending all of our time together. 

And while we’re all special snowflakes, there is nothing unique about me. If I can do it, you can, too.

One of my favorite parts of coaching is being a product of my product, but listen- it isn’t always easy.

I had a huge vulnerability hangover after my talk did not go as well as planned on Saturday. Immediately after, I felt like garbage. I even snapped at my mom, who did not deserve that (sorry, mom).

What did I do? I got back up, and I brushed myself off.

First, I got support:
I called my husband and bawled my eyes out. He made me feel much better. Thank you, Scott; I love you so much.

Then, I reminded myself:
It’s done. There is no need to waste time going over it again and again.
Why do I do these talks in the first place? What is my purpose?

Next, I learned:
What did I do well?
What could I do better?
What can I do for MYSELF to learn to come from a better place?
What can I do for my CLIENTS to serve them better now that I’ve had this experience?

Finally, because I knew I was not alone, I listened to an expert: Ms. Brené Brown. I remembered hearing her talk about her vulnerability hangover after one of her TEDTalks, on her Netflix special, Call to Courage. I watched the whole thing over again. Some nuggets:

“For connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.” I no longer care what people think about me, nor am I afraid to show up as myself because I know that my opinion is the most important one.

“Show me an act of courage without uncertainty, risk, or emotional exposure.” You can bet your bootie that I’m not going to let one, or 5, or 10 “not so great” talks keep me from helping others create more ease and grace in their lives.

And lastly, from her daughter Ellen:
“That sucked, but I was brave, and I won.”

“Want to get really great at something? Get a coach,” is the title of Atul Gawande’s TED2017 Talk, during which he ponders, “How do professionals get better at what they do? How do they get great?” 

He starts by discussing the traditional view: “…you go to school, you study, you practice, you learn, you graduate, and then you go out into the world and make your way on your own.” 

And then the other view, taken from sports: “you are never done, everybody needs a coach. Everyone. The greatest in the world needs a coach.” 

Itzhak Perlman, the world-famous violinist, conductor, and music teacher, had a coach. His wife Toby gave up her job as a concert violinist to coach him, making suggestions for what he could try differently next time. Yes, even Itzhak Perlman had a coach.

Gawande points out, “there are numerous problems in making it on your own [the traditional view]. You don’t recognize the issues that are standing in your way, or if you do, you don’t necessarily know how to fix them. And the result is that somewhere along the way, you stop improving.” He realized that was what had happened to him as a surgeon, and he considered, “Is this as good as I’m going to get?” 

So, you guessed it; he got a coach. 

His coach observed him and pointed out several small things that mattered, but more importantly, his coach brought a whole other level of awareness.  Gawande states, “[Coaches] are your external eyes and ears, providing a more accurate picture of your reality. They’re recognizing the fundamentals. They’re breaking your actions down and then helping you build them back up again. After two months of coaching, I felt myself getting better again. And after a year, I saw my complications drop down even further. It was painful. I didn’t like being observed, and at times I didn’t want to have to work on things. I also felt there were periods where I would get worse before I got better. But it made me realize that the coaches were onto something profoundly important.” 

If you want to get really great at something, get a coach.

What does presence mean to you? 

For me, it’s keeping my mind focused on being right here, right now, at this moment… and then this moment… and then this moment, too. 

From Eckardt Tolle in The Power of Now, “Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry- all forms of fear- are caused by too much future and not enough presence. 

Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”

The future has yet to come; cross those bridges when you get there. 

The past has already happened; what’s done is done.  

Are you taking care of yourself?
Are you taking care of yourself FIRST?
Are you taking care of yourself AT ALL?

As a nurse, I learned that I have to take care of myself BEFORE taking care of others. Sometimes that is a luxury that is hard to come by. Call for support if you need to.

And while we’re on the subject of support, wouldn’t you be HONORED to help a friend? It makes you feel good, right? When you could use a little help, reach out & let one of your friends feel good, too- let them do for you what you would love to do for them.

How do you take care of yourself?

I used to have a journal that I referred to as My Bi*ch Book. The theory was, if I had one place to put all of my complaints, I would “get them out of my system” and not complain or think about them again. In actuality, the opposite was true. 

Bringing all of those complaints into physical reality by writing about them solidified them, making them more tangible and concrete. It put more negativity into the universe. 

Now, instead of focusing on the negative, I choose to focus on the positive by “expanding it,” a concept from Rick Hanson’s book, Buddha’s Brain. 

I look for the positive, even the littlest things, and in all experiences. 

I spend a few seconds focusing on the positive experience before moving on. 

And I imagine absorbing it into my bones or in my core being, as a sponge absorbs water.

As a child, I always loved celebrations. Birthdays were an opportunity to make loved ones feel special, and holidays were an excuse to gather with friends and family. 

Now, I care more about celebrating little things; life and daily interactions.
~ working out when I didn’t feel like it
~ participating in a new and challenging activity
~ completing a project 
~ enjoying time spent with friends and family
Any achievement or moment will do. 

Putting more positivity out into the universe trains my brain: to see that, yes, I CAN do these things. 

Celebrating solidifies my accomplishments, bringing more pleasure and joy. 

Creating positive experiences helps me develop more resilience when my usual stopping points pop up. I move past them more easily as I have “proof” of doing so in the past.

How do you feel about working out?
I have a love/ hate relationship with it.
I love how I feel when I work out regularly.
I don’t like it when I haven’t been consistent and want to start up again.

“It’s going to hurt.”
“This is going to suck.”
“I don’t have time.”

I want to be physically fit and healthy, but this is actually more about being a loving family member.

I know how amazing it is when I feel strong, confident, sexy and when I don’t let the “it’s going to be hard” or “this will suck” hold me back.

The way to move forward is to see why working out is important to me and to take small steps forward.

This photo was just about a year ago. It was the night before I started my first coaching course. Looking back, I remember feeling both terrified and thrilled. I have since learned that feeling both terrified and thrilled (often at the exact same time) is a clear sign that I’m up to something great.

And it was true when I took this photo- I was up to something great. This course, the coaching, the tools, and the knowledge I learned changed my life. And let me tell you- if I can do it, you can do it, too.

And here we are today, celebrating our 15th Anniversary. (Well, a week ago yesterday.) We’re happier together now than we’ve been for the past decade. What??!! Yes, it’s true. Our friends and family might be surprised to hear this- we looked okay on the outside, but we were very not okay in our relationship.

For us, each of us was unhappy within ourselves, and then we did not bring our best selves to our relationship. We had a slow and insidious decline of our marriage, over a decade long; it was barely noticeable until we couldn’t NOT see it anymore. We were no longer on the same team; we no longer supported each other to be the people we wanted to be; we no longer respected and honored each other as we should.

Because we were at ground zero, we had a unique opportunity to decide if we wanted to be together and fight for this relationship rather than fight with each other- because that was no longer an option. We had nowhere to go but up or out, and as always- there were choices.

In the end, we picked each other again, but this was just the beginning. The good news is: it worked- we’re happy together. We started to rebuild our relationship and our love. We took the time to find happiness within ourselves before bringing each of us to our relationship. I did my work, he did his work, and we did our work together. Let’s be clear, this was not an easy journey, and it’s certainly not a “one and done;” we have until the rest of forever to work on and improve our relationship, but we’re doing it, and we are happier for it.