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In the last post, we discussed three things we can do with an emotion- resist, react to, or distract from them.

Today we’re going to talk about feeling & processing your emotions.

Sometimes it behooves us to feel a feeling. When we experience something fun, we want to feel joy. When we experience loss, we want to feel sad. It’s beneficial to experience grief for a while, but you might be ready and want to move on from it at some point.

To process our emotions, we first let them be without judgment, opinions, or “shoulding.” You can take a deep breath & just say to yourself, “I’m not resisting, reacting to, or distracting from this feeling. I’m just letting it be, and all feelings are welcome.”

Then describe what you’re feeling in your body. You are not repeating your thoughts; you’re not saying why you feel this way; you are simply describing what you are feeling.
Name it.
What color is it, and what shade?
What shape is it?
Where do you feel it in your body?
How does it move or vibrate?
What is its wavelength like (as if you can measure it with an EKG)?
What is its texture?
What is its temperature?

I recently experienced what I would call sadness with a side of anger. My community lost someone special. I was sad, & mad- questioning, why him? Why now? Why this way? And why did we have to lose one of the good ones? [Even in just reading this, how does that feel to you? Not good, right?] So, after feeling my sadness & anger for a while, I was ready to process it. This emotion was dark purple; to me, sadness is blue, & anger is red, making purple. It was dark because there was a lot of it. It was square-shaped & in my throat (I happen to carry a lot of emotion in my throat, often, my feelings get “caught up” in it.) It didn’t move or vibrate; it was heavy, like a brick. The wavelength was flat- no vibration or electricity. The texture was that of a brick, too, with uneven surfaces, scratchy and catching. The temperature is warm- hot.

Give it a try. Describing your emotions separates you from them. As the observer of your emotion, you are not your emotion. And as you describe your emotions, they dissipate, seemingly vanishing into thin air.

What are your thoughts about feeling your feelings & processing your emotions? 

When we don’t feel our feelings, they take over our day. 

When we resist them, they get worse. My favorite analogy for this is holding a beachball underwater. When you let go, it pops up out of the water. Or, you could just hold that beach ball in your hands; it’s easy & light, & there is no pressure. We spend tremendous time, energy, & effort resisting our emotions when we could instead learn to process them. 

The second thing we do with our emotions is to distract from them. We avoid feeling them by scrolling, snacking, or overshopping; even seemingly productive things like going for a walk, working, or organizing helps us not feel a feeling because we are focused elsewhere. (Does anyone else suddenly need a long hot bath when facing something uncomfortable? No, just me?) 

Another thing we do with an emotion is react to it. We think feeling a feeling means we have to react to it, like yelling when we feel angry, smiling when we feel happy, or crying when we feel sad. But this is not true. It is possible to feel a feeling & not react to it; in fact, many of us do this regularly. For example, you could yell at your children one second & then answer your phone with a sweet “Hello,” the next. Or you might have a challenging work day but leave that behind to enjoy an evening out with friends. Likewise, it is possible to sit, feel angry (or sad or mad or happy), & not show it at all. 

The last thing we can do with an emotion is to feel it, then decide to process it if it’s a feeling we no longer want to feel.

We do this by first letting it be. We are not resisting, reacting, or distracting; the emotion just is. (This is what I mean when I say that all feelings are welcome.) There is no opinion, no judgment, no should or shouldn’t-ing. We do this by taking a big breath from our heads to our toes. And if you’re a person who hates to ‘just take a breath,’ like I used to, you can say to yourself, “I’m not resisting, I’m not reacting to, I’m not distracting from, I’m just letting this feeling be; all feelings be welcome.”

Next post, I’ll share more about how to process your feelings.

First, there is no love without grief. If you are grieving, it’s because you loved in the first place. 

As painful as it is, grief is a feeling that serves us. I often talk about changing our thoughts, so we feel better, but sometimes feeling sad is what serves us best at that moment. Grief is a normal part of healing, and it is OK to be sad.

There is no “right way” to grieve. We have an unrealistic expectation that it’s linear. “First we do this.. then we do that… eventually we accept and feel better.” This is simply not true. We zig-zag. In one moment we feel better and in the next, we don’t.

Not only is grieving not linear but there isn’t only one way to grieve. The beauty of being human is that we are all different. We think, feel, and act differently; we grieve differently. We even grieve differently from one from moment to the next. What one person needs or wants in their grief may not necessarily work for someone else. If you don’t know what to say, you can simply offer: I care about you. I’m sorry this is happening. I’m here for you. 

Give yourself (and others) the space to process emotions— all feelings are welcome. Do your best to feel your feelings. While rounding this morning, I saw people saying they are not OK while holding space for others to share that they are not OK, too— what a great example of being truthful, feeling their feelings, and supporting others.

Lastly, talk about it. Share your experience, tell your story, share some memories, and share a laugh if you’re so inclined (because that is especially easy when talking about Shane, isn’t it? <3). Talking helps to process emotions, and there is relief in sharing with the collective, especially in a tight-knit community like Logan Health Whitefish. 

If you’d like coaching or just support with your grief, you can book a Logan Health Whitefish Employee Coaching Session by clicking the link below. I am here to support you.

As a reminder: our brains are organs that think just as our hearts beat and our stomachs digest. 

We don’t tell our brains to think. Thank goodness, right? Because otherwise, we would spend our whole day telling our bodies to function; we would get nothing else done! 

But how liberating is it to think that all the negative chatter is just our brains doing their job trying to keep us “safe”? 

And we determine what is & isn’t “safe,” what is & isn’t serving us, & what we do & don’t want to engage with. 

True story: I was at a networking event the other day & after introducing myself to the group, someone asked me, “Can I ask, why nurses?” 

My brain thought: she wants to know why I’m networking with a group of entrepreneurs & why I won’t coach them [entrepreneurs]; there are no nurses here, so why am I here? 

Please note, all she said was the words: can I ask, why nurses? 

Guess where that thought came from? ME!! I had that thought. My brain was trying to keep me “safe,” in my lane, and everything status quo- asking me- why are we going to this again? (Status quo is where our brains feel safest.)

At first, I bought it and felt defensive. I blabbered a brief answer about how I can easily talk to nurses because I am one; I speak their language.

But then, I caught myself & questioned that thought a little deeper- she just asked- why nurses? 

I asked my brain, “Brain, why do we coach nurses?”

Because I care deeply about healthcare providers– they care. They actually do give a crap about their patients and the well-being of others. If they are upset or crabby, it’s because that care has been beaten out of them. They are exhausted and overwhelmed, but they still care, or at the very least, they want to care still. I help healthcare givers take care of themselves, so they can live lives they love and better serve their patients. 

Next time someone asks you a question & you feel defensive, take a beat. Don’t let your brain feel defensive b/c of some story you are attaching to the question. Instead, consider their words, consult with your brain & answer their question.

So often, we succumb to our negativity bias. 

Both fortunately and unfortunately, it’s our nature to do so. 

Our negativity bias has kept us safe & alive to this day and age. Without it, we likely would have died off/ become extinct long ago. 

Now that we’re here (2022), we can DISCERN what we consider unsafe. 

Consider: will I really die from doing this? 

When you have a public talk to give- your palms are sweaty, your heart beats faster, and you maybe feel nauseous. (No? Only me?) 
OK, but are you going to DIE from giving a talk? Likely no. 

When you apply for a new position- you hope your old boss doesn’t hate you for leaving, you want your new boss to think you are doing a good job, and there’s fear of rejection.
Rejection FEELS uncomfortable, but you’re not actually going to die. 

When you want to lose weight, you choose to watch what you eat and feel… deprived. 
OK. I assume you’re still eating some food, so you’re not going to die from skipping a few cookies.

You’re saying, “But Christine, I WANT the cookie. I don’t want to feel deprived. I don’t like it.” 

I’ve got you. Watch this and pay careful attention here.

How do you feel if you give in & give up & decline the public speaking opportunity? 
You might feel relieved that you don’t have to feel that discomfort, but then you will be discouraged when you find that you’re not growing your business.

How do you feel if you stay put in your life-sucking job? You’ll like it for a bit because “better the devil you know,” but you will continue to feel hopeless, unsatisfied, and disgruntled in your job (and maybe your personal life, too). 

How do you feel if you succumb to that urge and eat the cookie? 
You might feel happy for a moment but then disappointed in yourself for not doing what you said you would do.

Do you see, BOTH are uncomfortable? 

So you might as well pick the discomfort that comes with a new position & a better life. Networking opportunities that grow your business. Weight loss that has you more physically fit & healthy.

You might as well pick the discomfort that comes with the results you desire. And this is how you design and live a life you love. 

Recently, I’ve been paying attention to what I like and don’t like, what brings me joy, and what does not bring me joy, what is thrilling and terrifying in a ‘growth’ way, and what is thrilling and terrifying but does not serve me. It’s all data, and the good thing about data is once you have it, you can decide what to do with it.

How often do we allow ourselves to get stuck b/c we’re trying to do something we don’t want to. Maybe we’ve been told we should, perhaps we think we should, maybe sometimes we feel better when we do, but is it worth it?

Let’s use the example of working out.

If you wanted to work out, you’d work out, and it wouldn’t be a thing. If you’re one of those (crazy) people who love to work out, and you work out every morning, then we’re done here.

But what about those of us who do not love to work out? Does your internal dialogue sound something like this:
I really should work out
I know I’ll feel better if I do work out, but…
I don’t want to get up early
I don’t like to _ [fill in the blank].
I don’t have the time.

OK, great; well seen.

BUT THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU SIT AND DO NOTHING.
Consider: What DO you want to do?
Maybe you don’t want to hike a mountain, but you could go for a walk. Perhaps you don’t want to ride for 20 miles, but you can for 6 miles. Maybe you’d rather SUP instead.

What do you LOVE to do? What do you WANT to do?

And here’s what not to do:
NOT to work out and then beat yourself up for it. That’s helpful.
Befriend yourself. Don’t make you do something you don’t want to do. Stop trying to jam the square peg of yourself into the round hole of someone who loves to work out.

If you don’t want to, it’s OK, but then find something else you’d love to do and do that.

Living a life you love starts with accepting where you are right now while striving for the future you want.

I point this out not so you can use this against yourself or beat yourself up, but so you can see you have the power to make changes. If you got yourself here, you could get yourself out of here. 

You have three choices when circumstances are going on around you. You can

1. Resist them. 
2. Accept them. 
3. Change them. 

First, consider if you can change what is happening? Are you able to change the circumstances? What are you doing or not doing that may be contributing to this situation? 

If you can make changes, then great, do that. If you can’t, then consider: 

How might you be able to accept them? Where is some good in this situation? Or who are you willing to be? 

Your last option is to continue to resist them. Of course, we all know that “resistance is futile,” and IDK about you, but I prefer to take action… which brings me back to numbers one & two- can I change the circumstances? If not, then is there another action I can take here? If not, then I can learn to accept them. 

Let’s use a recent example: the current influx of people in the Valley. Last Saturday, my husband & I drove around for 2 hours trying to find parking & a place to paddle board on Flathead Lake. The third place we went still had no parking, and I lost my patience. So, I stepped myself through this process. 

The circumstance: No parking was available near Flathead Lake at three locations. 

Resist: I wasn’t going to continue to resist because I didn’t want it to ruin the beautiful day. 

Change: I considered- is there anything I can do to create parking at those places right now? No. 

Is there any other action I could take? For now, keep trying, and for next time, plan more, leave earlier, etc.

Accept: I realized that all these people also want to have a good time and enjoy the weather. I understand they want to visit or move here- it is a beautiful place. Luckily, I can choose to go home rather than get on the lake, or there are other lakes to try. 

Accepting these circumstances, I enjoyed the rest of the day and loved my day off in the Flathead. 

Do you have a hard time making decisions?

I used to hate making decisions. I often asked Scott to order for me at restaurants because it felt like a luxury not to have to decide!

Can you imagine? Such a simple decision about what to eat for dinner!

You see, I put so much pressure on myself to “do the right thing,” make the “best” choice- knowing I have to live with the consequences if I didn’t.

Well, so what?

So what if I didn’t like the meal I ordered? I could decide to eat it or not; I still had a choice.

This small decision was certainly not worth the pressure, but what big decisions, like what job to take, what school to go to, what career path to follow, what investment to make with your time or money, even with clothes to wear.

There is such an easy solution:
Consult with your future self.
What would your future self do?
Are these the decisions she would make?
Are these clothes she would wear?
What would she do with her time right now?

Then, do that.

“There is nothing wrong with you.”

“There is no problem.”

“Everything is as it should be.” 

“You are right where you belong.” 

“All is well.” 

I used to feel frustrated when I heard people talking this way because I didn’t understand how this was true. I didn’t feel that way.

I did not feel like all was well. 

It seemed like there were many problems all over the place. 

And, I repeatedly found myself in the wrong place at the wrong time, no matter what I did. 

For many years, I searched and searched to find… well, I wasn’t sure what, exactly, I was looking for, but it sure seemed like something was missing. 

Until finally, I accepted & allowed things to be as they are. Now let’s be honest; I’m not 100% at this. I still try to maneuver, control, and manipulate, so I feel LESS uncomfortable. 

But I now see that I am right here, and I’ve been right here the whole time. 

Should there actually be a problem, I’ve got me. 

Should I do something “wrong,” I’ve got me. 

I can see the truth: I’m not going to die from this experience, this ‘thing’ that’s going on. I’m willing to be uncomfortable. As a matter of fact, I believe this “un-comfort” is what leads us to an extraordinary life. 

You, too, are whole and complete just as you are. 

There is nothing wrong with you. 

Everything is as it should be. 

You are right where you belong. 

Fairy tales can come true; it can happen to you if you…

look for how it might ALREADY be true.  

Not what you were expecting, right? 

Let me explain. 

Three times this past week, I coached clients who were already living their dreams, 

But they didn’t even see it. 

Example #1: This client wanted to spend at least one month each spring traveling. This spring, she is taking two two-week vacations- two weeks in March and two weeks in May. Last I checked, 2+2= 4, and there are 4-weeks in a month, so she will be traveling for a month this spring. She didn’t realize she was ALREADY living her dream because it wasn’t four consecutive weeks. [It’s me, this example is me.]

Example #2: This client wants to pursue two different careers. One will provide a steady income, and one is her love and passion. She didn’t see that she had ALREADY achieved her dream because she had just spent an entire week devoted to her passion project while maintaining her business successfully.  

Example #3: She thought it would be cool to get paid to travel for work. She was hired for a job in a different town, too far to drive, so she stayed in a hotel overnight. They paid her fee. She didn’t realize that she had ALREADY achieved this dream because she hadn’t pieced it together. Work + hotel in a different town + payment = getting paid to travel for work. 

Y’all, our brains are tricky. Be on to them! You have to direct your mind to where you want it to focus. And this isn’t manifesting or making this up out of thin air. This is legit- we were already doing the things. s

I can speak for myself: I was too busy spending time in lack, feeling like it would never happen. Worrying about where the money would come from—wondering how I could make it be so. 

Fairy tales can come true… it can happen to you… maybe you just have to open your mind & see that it’s already happening.