Are you someone who would like to have a better relationship with someone than you do now?
Perhaps it’s your direct reports, your teen, or your spouse.
When they feel safe sharing openly with you, there will be less conflict, tension, and chaos and more connection, cooperation, confidence, and trust. Managing, parenting, and being in a relationship will stop feeling so hard, and you will experience more calm, peace, and joy.
The first step is to notice when you are triggered. How does it feel in your body? For me, I feel tight and tense. It feels like my blood pressure is rising; maybe my hands are in fists. My heart rate is faster, and my heart is pounding.
To calm your emotions, get curious. Take a deep breath & think to yourself, “I wonder what happened here.”
When you’re calm, you can respond intentionally rather than react emotionally.
When you’re calm, they will be more open to having a conversation with you rather than shutting down.
Next, find a good time to talk to them and state what you see objectively.
State the facts, just the facts, with no tone or judgment (which you can do now that you’re being curious).
My favorite phrase is, “I notice… [state fact].”
I.E., “I notice a vape pen in your backpack.”
Or “I noticed you were 20 minutes late to work.”
These words from you will help them stay open and not defensive because they are not anticipating being in ‘trouble,’ judgment, or anger.
Next, validate to show understanding. When you normalize what they are feeling, they feel like you understand them, you get them, and they remember that you are on the same team.
You will reflect back their feeling and acknowledge the situation.
I.E., “It makes sense that you feel left out when all your friends vape.”
Or, “It’s understandable that you were 20 minutes late when you discovered that your car door was frozen shut.”
Important note: this does not mean you agree with or condone their behavior. You are merely validating their experience.
Then, invite their solution.
People have an overwhelming desire to do well. We want to have autonomy and figure things out on our own. As managers, we want to ensure they stay within organizational boundaries. As parents, we want to help them build problem-solving skills safely and with our guidance.
You can do this by simply asking them, “What are you going to do?”
Your kids might respond by saying they don’t know. You can help them unhinge their inner knowledge by following up with, “I know you are really smart; I bet you can figure this out.” Or you can ask, “What would you tell __ (state their friend’s name here) to do?” This helps separate them from the problem and helps them come up with creative solutions.
Lastly, make sure they know you are available for support and guidance by simply offering, “I’m here if you’d like help.”
When you communicate collaboratively, you will be amazed at how much better your relationships can be with less stress, worry, and anxiousness.
Reminder: as part of the benefits offered at Logan Health Whitefish, employees get free coaching sessions. You can book an in-person coaching session here or a remote/Zoom coaching session here.
P.P.S. You can register for the next free Christine Seager Coaching Masterclass on How to Change Your Self-Concept by registering here.
