If you scroll back in my IG feed, you will see a post that reads, “I am working to change habits that no longer serve me.” It was my mantra in 2019. Since then, I’ve enjoyed watching myself grow and evolve, being mindful and doing just this- working to put down that which does not serve me.
Now, I’m ready for the next level, to build some better habits that serve me.
Like finding joy in working out. Paying attention to what I eat. Choosing not to drink alcohol. Creating good business habits (which is different from good work
I continue to level up, moving onto the next growth area and improving, making life easier and more fun.
It was at this time I realized I needed to SIMPLIFY my life.
I picture a funnel: All. Of. The. Things. are in that funnel, and what gets filtered in the narrow part is where I needed to be.
I didn’t need to be involved in all of the chaos and swirl that was going on around me; I just needed to FOCUS on me and then Scott.
I knew that blaming Scott wasn’t “right,” that I had a role in this too, that I had gotten myself to this place; whether through agreeing or complacency- here I was.
I was acutely aware that I wasn’t the person I wanted to be, so I started doing research. I read books, watched videos, and listened to podcasts. Then, I started life-coaching school (in July), got a coach, and coached myself. I learned to build my confidence by trusting myself (slowly and consistently); I practiced gratitude and compassion, creating inner peace; I found more joy and fun.
And then a funny thing happened on the way to myself- my connection with Scott grew stronger. (Of note, while I was working on myself, he was working on himself, too- we both had things to learn and do to be better versions of ourselves.) Our independent growth created a unique opportunity to rebuild our marriage from ground zero, which we did… and this version is way, way better.
So, what does all of this mean for you? If you want just more… If you want greater confidence and self-trust… If you want inner peace… If you want to experience joy… If you want to have fun… If you want better relationships… I can help you…
Not only because I have done this for myself (and my clients), but because I have the tools, knowledge, and skills to help you do so, too.
In April of 2019, I canceled a trip. It was my first coaching workshop in Sacramento, CA. There was a series of unfortunate events.
First, Scott was away on a “medical mission” trip, as I call them, out saving the world.
Then, Max got kennel cough, so I couldn’t board him. Fortunately, Tara was able to stay with him, even though this was inconvenient for her.
Finally, at 10 PM the night before my 6 AM flight, I discovered the basement had flooded in the worst way- yep, the septic system backed up.
I worked hard to figure out every option. I could work through the night to clean up the mess, change my plane tickets, and call the septic people first thing in the morning, but the flights didn’t work out & I would miss my first day of class, and attendance was required. Also, I couldn’t leave Tara here without running water or septic, and there was nowhere else for (a contagious) Max to go. So I finally called it, and to say I was crushed is an understatement.
I bawled while I called the airline to see if I could change my tickets. I bawled while I called the Academy of Coaching Excellence to cancel my attendance the next day. I bawled for hours and hours while talking to Tara until 1 AM because I was so heartbroken. I really wanted to do this; I NEEDED to do this… and I blamed it all on Scott.
Yep. All of it.
The kennel cough, and that we even had a dog in the first place. The septic malfunction. The fact that he was gone- he was not here to help ME, and I needed his help right now!
Never once did I look to me or see my role in this. Um, hello?
Yes, I agreed to get the dog. There was nothing to be done about the kennel cough- I don’t even know where he got it. I could have checked the septic or even reminded him to do so before he left. And as far as Scott’s being here to help me? He was busy helping people in far more need than me.
So, the next time you blame your spouse, take a minute to check yourself. What was your role? You’re a grown-ass, independent woman- how did you contribute to the situation?
The outcome of this story: I cleaned up the basement and called the septic people first thing the following day. They instructed me on what to do, and it wound up being a simple fix. Max recovered from his kennel cough. Scott returned safely from his trip. I rebooked my flight and attended the coaching workshop in July of 2019, delaying my coaching career by three months. This time wound up being beneficial, as Scott and I spent some time working on ourselves, examining our relationship and life goals- leading us to be happier together in the past two years than we were in the previous decade.
You are perfect in your humanness right now, just as you are.
You don’t need your spouse to validate you, prove that you are lovable, or complete you (cue Jerry McGuire).
And however you want your spouse to make you feel, you can feel right now.
Are you looking to him to make you feel pretty? Think of 3 ways you are pretty. Do you want him to help you feel loved? What are 3 ways you are loved? Do you want him to prove your worthiness? What are three ways you are worthy right now, on your own, without his telling you so?
Because here’s the thing- nothing outside of you can make you feel a certain way. Only YOU can make you feel a certain way.
This is great news because if it’s all up to you, you have power over it. You can choose to feel whole and complete and perfect in your imperfectly human way right now.
You complete you, not your spouse.
Any compliments, validation, “good feels” you get from your spouse are bonus material, the icing on the cake, the cherry on top. You don’t need them to feel complete because you already know you are.
If you’re asking, “But how?” See that it’s a choice. Choose to think thoughts that support you to feel that way. Find evidence to support it.
Each moment is an opportunity to feel how you want to feel.
What thoughts support you to feel complete? I exist, therefore I am lovable. I’m already perfect in my imperfect human way. I have goals & dreams & am working toward them. I have my own answers within me & am learning to listen to them.
Find evidence to support it. My parents love me, God/ the Universe loves me, the cat loves me (not Max b/c he loves Scott most, haha). I am imperfect, but I try. I am working towards my goals & dreams. I have my own answers and am learning to listen to them. This is an ongoing practice for me- I checked in with myself (as I checked in with my team at work) to see what I think I should be doing, what my people need to hear, etc.
Now it’s your turn. What feelings are you looking to get from your spouse? What thoughts will support you to feel that way for yourself? Then, find the evidence to support those thoughts.
There was a time, long ago, that I felt like Scott & I were distant. I wasn’t sure if he thought so too, and I didn’t ask because I was afraid of the answer.
We carved out time to spend together- going on dates. We were even communicating- talking about scheduling, logistics, and upcoming financial needs, but we were not actually connected. We were doing all the things we were “supposed to” do, but we were just going through the motions.
I shared this sentiment with a friend of mine one day when she told me about 20-second hugs.
“You should hug. Did you know if you hold a hug for more than 20 seconds, it helps alleviate stress? Your body relaxes, releases oxytocin, creating a stronger bond and a greater connection between huggers.”
Huh, I did not know that.
But I knew that holding a hug for 20 seconds felt like a lot, so I thought I could start smaller- by holding Scott’s hand.
I wordlessly asked him to hold hands by offering my hand in the car or when we watched T.V.; he never said no and always took my hand. I held his hand at night when we went to bed. I held his hand when we walked. Then over time, I asked for his hand when I had something to say. Maybe I wanted to share something difficult or felt that we need to have an important conversation. So, we’d sit side-by-side at the dining room table, holding hands, talking.
When I held his hand, I did feel more connected; I also felt safer and had less pressure. My asking for his hand became an indicator that I had something important &/or difficult to say. He would take a breath (how he steadies himself) and then take my hand, and I felt safe enough to share my thoughts and feelings, worries and doubts.
We eventually graduated to 20-second hugs, and yes, those hugs do feel as good as they say.
But if you feel distant from your spouse, too, start with just asking for their hand. You don’t even have to say any words; just offer your hand.
When your husband tells you he loves you, you look beautiful, and you look just perfect in that lighting- do you hear him? Do you believe him? Do you let that love in?
When Scott took these photos of me on our honeymoon, I felt embarrassed by his attention. I didn’t quite know what to do with it. He would say- you look so beautiful, sit right there, don’t move.
I felt awkward, and it was somewhat overwhelming. He liked me far more than I liked myself at that time.
If I were to do it over, I would look at myself through his eyes. Try to see what he sees. Find the good in me for me.
You have to do the work of loving yourself before asking others to do that work for you.
You have to love yourself first, then any love you get from others is just the icing on the cake.
If you have confidence and strength in yourself, you will have a more confident and stronger marriage.
Have you ever been upset about something-maybe you’re arguing with someone in your kitchen, and then your phone rings? You say hello to answer it.
How do you answer your phone? Do you say a friendly “Hello?” or do you continue being angry at the person on the phone, yelling at them now?
You probably say a friendly “Hello.”
When you answer the phone, you change your mood like a light switch; you are now friendly and not upset- even if for just a moment.
Now, that change in mood might not last, but (get ready… it’s my favorite line…)
THAT’S A CHOICE.
Yes, every moment, you get to choose how you want to be. You DO have the ability to change your mood like a light switch.
You can be friendly now… and now… and even now…
Even if three moments ago you were upset with someone or about something.
[While this concept is universal, it was taught to me by BethAnn Scuggs, Dean of Students The Academy for Coaching Excellence. I love it for its simplicity.]
Has this ever happened to you? You’re in a bad mood; maybe you’re not quite sure why but you’re crabby and not acting as your best self to those around you. And you feel bad about that. Maybe you’ve snapped, maybe your fuse is too short, maybe it has been happening for a while, and it hasn’t been pleasant to be around you for a minute or a week or two.
So now you’re crabby, AND you feel bad, so it’s even worse. It’s a cycle that could keep going and going, getting worse and worse (feeling crabby, acting badly, feeling worse, acting worse, feeling even more poorly, etc.)
How do you stop the cycle?
It’s a trade secret…
Are you sure you’re ready to hear this?
You make a CHOICE to stop the cycle.
Yes, that’s it.
You might be thinking, but Christine, that’s hard; when I’m upset, I can’t just change my mood like a light switch. Well, you can actually change your mood like a switch; we’ll talk about that tomorrow. But in the meantime, do something that will act as if you’re pressing a reset button- take a hot shower, go for a 5-minute walk, fix yourself a cup of tea, sit quietly for a few minutes, take a power nap, walk to your car, run up a flight of stairs.
Do something that will act as a reset, and in the next moment- be kind, be compassionate, be generous, be grateful, or joyous, or loving, be open, or present.
What is more interesting to you- being kind and grateful or being crabby and feeling bad?
