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When Tara was little, I put so much additional stress on myself by trying to manage my family perfectly. As her stepmom, I felt I was under extra scrutiny. “They” were watching & waiting for me to fail. 

To be clear, Scott, my husband, did not put any of this on me.

I thought she was to be fed, dressed & brushed, & to school on time with signed papers & completed homework neatly tucked into her backpack. 

In the afternoons, I was to leave my job, pick up Tara from school, feed her a snack, complete her homework, bathe, & dress her in PJs, so she & Scott could enjoy their evening together. And, of- course, dinner on the table by 7 PM. 

It doesn’t sound like much. I even thought our parent-to-child ratio was good- two adults to one child- no problem! 

Except it was. The Leave It to Beaver image I had in mind was impossible in real life. I was sure everyone else could do it, just not me. 

These high expectations of myself & Tara were just too much; I sometimes yelled like a crazy lady.

Scott would come home from work; I would hand him Tara & burst into tears, drowning in failure, feeling like I was not a good wife, stepmom, etc. I just could not get it done. 

Now, I can see that my only job was keeping the kid alive. And I could do that. It was a bonus if she was fed, clean, and her homework done. 

I had impossible perfectionistic expectations, but now I know I can step back, look at them & decide if I want to keep those expectations or not. 

The simple question I ask myself is: according to whom? 

IE, a clean house. Does that include windows? Wiping inside every drawer & cupboard? The corners of the bathroom floor and the baseboards? My ‘clean’ is different from my mom’s and my sister’s, so who gets to say? 

Me. I do. I get to say, along with Scott & Tara. And you do, for your family, too. 

PS “According to whom” works well for any enoughness. Try it out for yourself. Pretty enough, thin enough, good enough, successful enough, smart enough… what does that look like & according to whom? 

PPS If you’d like help with your perfectionistic tendencies, this is exactly what I teach my clients to do. I’m booking end-of-year consult calls now. Book one for yourself so we can see if coaching is the right fit for you.

What would it be like if you had 100% responsibility over your own life? 

Amazing, right? 

News flash. You do. 

The only things you HAVE to do to survive are: eat, drink, and go to the bathroom. That’s it. Everything else is optional. Really. Think about that. Everything else is optional. This means everything else is a choice that you have made. 

There might be uncomfortable outcomes if you make some decisions over others, but it is still your choice. 

If you don’t like your job, but you aren’t making moves to get a new or different one, you are choosing that same job every day. 

If you don’t like your relationship, and you want it to change, but you’re not having conversations with your spouse or seeking help, you are choosing that same relationship every day. 

If you don’t like that you are so busy running your kids to school and sports and making dinners, feeling and cleaning up after everyone every day, but you are not making changes, you are choosing to stay that busy every day. 

So what if you stopped blaming other people and other circumstances for your quality of life? What if you took full responsibility? What might that look like? 

It might be setting some boundaries & sticking to them. I.E., each child can pick two sports to pursue and no more. 

It might be tag teaming school drop offs & pickups with another family or having the kids take the bus. You might have to get creative. 

It might be changing at work- moving departments or positions or applying elsewhere. 

It might be picking up the phone and asking for help/ support for your relationship. 

There are always options. I didn’t know this for a long time, either, and it kept me feeling stuck, helpless, and not in control of my own life. I was powerless when looking to and blaming others for everything happening “to” me. But I didn’t see there were options. No one was actually forcing me to do any of the things I was unhappy about. And every day I stayed there, I chose the same life over and over and over again. 

You actually do have control, and you actually do have responsibility. You get to choose. What is the life you want for yourself?

I watched Oprah + Viola: the Netflix Special Event. Oprah said that she thought she grew up poor until she heard Viola’s story of being poor. 

I thought this was interesting b/c while we don’t want to compare and despair, we can compare to find what we DO have. And it can help lead us to compassion for others. 

I love to find evidence; to prove it. We can draw any conclusion we want, positive or negative, and find evidence for either or both conclusions. (Like a Google search- put whatever you want into the search bar & you will find evidence to support it.) 

Here’s how Oprah could compare her childhood to Viola’s: I was poor but not as poor as she was. I had running water. She didn’t. I was able to bathe. She wasn’t. I had plaster on the walls of my house. She didn’t. I always had a roof over my head. She didn’t. 

There is always someone who has it worse off than you, even though it might not feel like it. So, if you’re going to compare, at least do it in a way that helps you see what you do have; in a way that better serves you.

Have you heard Brene Brown’s explanation- trust is like a marble jar? If not, you can Google it, but briefly: her daughter’s 3rd-grade teacher had a jar where if the kids made great choices together, the teacher added marbles. If they were not making great choices, the teacher took out marbles. And when the jar was filled up, there was a celebration for the class. 

Brené explains that trust is built in very small moments that are accumulated, similar to how the kids’ good behavior filled up the marble jar. 

This is also how we build self-trust. 

How often are you making plans & promises to yourself & not showing up, following through, or doing the thing? 

If it was a friend, you might make plans to meet at the gym, walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes & catch up over green juices afterward, but she doesn’t show up. So you give her another chance. She doesn’t show up again. How about a third- this time, you say- for reals, you have to show up, or I’m not hanging out with you anymore; I can’t be bothered. And she doesn’t show up. Now, you’re done; you stop making plans with her. 

If it’s you, you might make plans with yourself to go to the gym, walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes & have green juice afterward, but you get busy & don’t go. You try again but don’t show up again. So, you give yourself a third chance, & this time you say to yourself- for reals, you have to show up, or I’m not… what? You can’t not hang out with yourself; you’re stuck with yourself, but you’ve also given up on yourself. 

You can build your self-trust by filling up your own marble jar. 

Start by making small, easy promises to yourself, & keeping them- no matter what. 

Do something easy- 5 minutes or less. Don’t spin about, “what is the exact thing I’m going to promise myself to do?” Just pick something easy, plan it, and when the time comes- do it- no matter what. Then celebrate that you did it. 

Over time, keeping your promises to yourself will get easier. This is because you will keep showing up for yourself & have learned to trust yourself.

Even Pema Chödrön recommends we do this in her book, How to Meditate, A Practical Guide to Making Friends With Your Mind.

“Decide when you are going to get into a regular habit of meditation —and commit” (page 18). 

Doing this is so much easier than our normal hemming & hawing, vacillating and perseverating. 

Just decide. What do you WANT to do? 

And then commit to making it work.

I met a dear friend for coffee today & one thing I heard her say that rings true for so many of my clients & me is- wanting to feel safe & secure. 

So many of us hold ourselves back for just this reason. We love guarantees & clear directions, & worry about causing suffering for others. 

It’s so normal to feel this way- it’s simply our negativity bias trying to keep us alive. 

The power is in knowing this… then uncovering your fears, mitigating them, seeing that it IS possible, being willing to be uncomfortable & take action anyway. 

My friend believes that the more we do hard things, the more empowered we are to do (more) hard things. 

A few years ago, I wanted to take a road trip alone.
But I didn’t think it was possible. 
I couldn’t leave work for that long. 
I wasn’t sure my car was reliable. 
It was maybe dangerous.
It generally felt irresponsible & not possible. 
It certainly did not feel safe & secure. 

But I really wanted to go, so I broke it down. 

How could I mitigate my fears if I did take this trip? 

I could talk to my boss about what working remotely for three weeks would look like & see if it would be possible.
I could get my car tuned up & do my best to dial it in.
I could bring my dog with me for protection. 

The more I addressed each piece, getting specific & mitigating my fears, the more I saw this trip was, indeed, possible & exactly how I could do it while also feeling safe & secure!

Finally, it was time to leave- the car was packed & I was on my way, literally backing out of the garage. I suddenly did not feel so safe & secure; I was terrified. But I was willing to feel uncomfortable & take action anyway, so I kept driving, barely able to see through my tears. 

Sure enough, the trip was a blast. I felt amazing & surely was empowered to do more hard things that now don’t seem so hard. 

And you can do so, too:
Uncover your fears.
Mitigate them.
See that it IS possible. 
Be willing to be uncomfortable & take action anyway.

If you are a Logan Health Whitefish Employee & would like to schedule a one-on-one coaching session, CLICK HERE to book a LHW Employee Coaching Session.

If you are not sure that coaching is for you, CLICK HERE to book a FREE Discovery Call, where you will discuss what coaching is and isn’t, determine what you would love to get out of your time together, and if &/or how Christine might provide support.

Right when you think things can’t possibly get worse, 
they do. 

One of my clients, who is a manager, would just shrug her shoulders at all the changes & think to herself, well, this is bad; it can’t get worse than this. 

But then it did. 

She had a laundry list of all the changes. 

Each one alone could take someone out, but then there were 3, 4, 7 significant things simultaneously. 

It was a lot. 

She was upset that she lost both her boss and her boss’s boss at the same time. (One retired, and the other took a different position within the same organization.) 

She was worried. She felt like she had lost a layer of protection. She wondered if her new boss would like her and if she would like them; she would have to start over. She was nervous about working with her new boss- would they change her work hours, approve her vacation time, or micromanage her? Would more responsibilities fall to her? She had more questions than answers. These concerns kept her up at night. All the unknowns were daunting, and she was exhausted before stepping in the door.

Through coaching and examining this scenario, she could see that she was worried about things that weren’t happening to her right now, so the first thing here was for her to stay present. This realization alone relieved her, and she could focus on other things. 

She saw that her new boss might bring about new opportunities and contributions to both her and the organization. Likely they would have different experiences that would lend to a diverse work experience. Under this person, she might have new growth and learning opportunities, and she loved to learn. Her excitement allowed her to be excited about her old boss’s next adventures, and she congratulated them earnestly. 

Before the new boss started, she tied up a few loose ends, spoke positively about this opportunity to her staff, and did everything she could to set them up for success. 

Finally, with her worries settled, she could rest better, she had more brain space to think at a higher level, and her relationship with her new boss started on the right foot.

If you are a Logan Health Whitefish Employee & would like to schedule a one-on-one coaching session, CLICK HERE to book a LHW Employee Coaching Session.

If you are not sure that coaching is for you, CLICK HERE to book a FREE Discovery Call, where you will discuss what coaching is and isn’t, determine what you would love to get out of your time together, and if &/or how Christine might provide support.

So many of you think you’re the only one.

But you’re not.

I hear it from my clients all the time.

The worry.

The self-doubt.

The not being sure.

The not knowing.

You wonder if you’re doing it “right,”
if your boss thinks you’re a good employee,
if your coworkers think you help enough,
if the doctors think you take good care of their patients.

You even question yourself, wondering how in the heck you’ve made it this far.

And then it’s the change of shift; time to report off.
And you think- I barely held it together for these 12 hours, and now they will for sure find out that I don’t know what I’m doing.

And yet, you ARE doing a good job.

Your boss asks you how your day is, gives you opportunities, & good scores on your annual reviews.
Your coworkers thank you for your help & offer to help you, too.
The doctors collaborate with you in their patient’s care, asking for your input.

And yet you are anxious and worried about what they think.

But this does not have to be a problem.
Just look at the data.

All of your patients are alive & well.
You dispensed all of the medications correctly during your shift.
All the dressing changes were done & documented.
You don’t have any outstanding call lights.
One of your coworkers recently commented that you are a team player.
The doctors continue asking for your assistance & input.

The data doesn’t lie.

After that, how you feel about the job you do is mainly up to you–
and where you choose to focus.

If you are a Logan Health Whitefish Employee & would like to schedule a one-on-one coaching session, CLICK HERE to book a LHW Employee Coaching Session.

If you are not sure that coaching is for you, CLICK HERE to book a FREE Discovery Call, where you will discuss what coaching is and isn’t, determine what you would love to get out of your time together, and if &/or how Christine might provide support.

In the last post, we discussed three things we can do with an emotion- resist, react to, or distract from them.

Today we’re going to talk about feeling & processing your emotions.

Sometimes it behooves us to feel a feeling. When we experience something fun, we want to feel joy. When we experience loss, we want to feel sad. It’s beneficial to experience grief for a while, but you might be ready and want to move on from it at some point.

To process our emotions, we first let them be without judgment, opinions, or “shoulding.” You can take a deep breath & just say to yourself, “I’m not resisting, reacting to, or distracting from this feeling. I’m just letting it be, and all feelings are welcome.”

Then describe what you’re feeling in your body. You are not repeating your thoughts; you’re not saying why you feel this way; you are simply describing what you are feeling.
Name it.
What color is it, and what shade?
What shape is it?
Where do you feel it in your body?
How does it move or vibrate?
What is its wavelength like (as if you can measure it with an EKG)?
What is its texture?
What is its temperature?

I recently experienced what I would call sadness with a side of anger. My community lost someone special. I was sad, & mad- questioning, why him? Why now? Why this way? And why did we have to lose one of the good ones? [Even in just reading this, how does that feel to you? Not good, right?] So, after feeling my sadness & anger for a while, I was ready to process it. This emotion was dark purple; to me, sadness is blue, & anger is red, making purple. It was dark because there was a lot of it. It was square-shaped & in my throat (I happen to carry a lot of emotion in my throat, often, my feelings get “caught up” in it.) It didn’t move or vibrate; it was heavy, like a brick. The wavelength was flat- no vibration or electricity. The texture was that of a brick, too, with uneven surfaces, scratchy and catching. The temperature is warm- hot.

Give it a try. Describing your emotions separates you from them. As the observer of your emotion, you are not your emotion. And as you describe your emotions, they dissipate, seemingly vanishing into thin air.

What are your thoughts about feeling your feelings & processing your emotions? 

When we don’t feel our feelings, they take over our day. 

When we resist them, they get worse. My favorite analogy for this is holding a beachball underwater. When you let go, it pops up out of the water. Or, you could just hold that beach ball in your hands; it’s easy & light, & there is no pressure. We spend tremendous time, energy, & effort resisting our emotions when we could instead learn to process them. 

The second thing we do with our emotions is to distract from them. We avoid feeling them by scrolling, snacking, or overshopping; even seemingly productive things like going for a walk, working, or organizing helps us not feel a feeling because we are focused elsewhere. (Does anyone else suddenly need a long hot bath when facing something uncomfortable? No, just me?) 

Another thing we do with an emotion is react to it. We think feeling a feeling means we have to react to it, like yelling when we feel angry, smiling when we feel happy, or crying when we feel sad. But this is not true. It is possible to feel a feeling & not react to it; in fact, many of us do this regularly. For example, you could yell at your children one second & then answer your phone with a sweet “Hello,” the next. Or you might have a challenging work day but leave that behind to enjoy an evening out with friends. Likewise, it is possible to sit, feel angry (or sad or mad or happy), & not show it at all. 

The last thing we can do with an emotion is to feel it, then decide to process it if it’s a feeling we no longer want to feel.

We do this by first letting it be. We are not resisting, reacting, or distracting; the emotion just is. (This is what I mean when I say that all feelings are welcome.) There is no opinion, no judgment, no should or shouldn’t-ing. We do this by taking a big breath from our heads to our toes. And if you’re a person who hates to ‘just take a breath,’ like I used to, you can say to yourself, “I’m not resisting, I’m not reacting to, I’m not distracting from, I’m just letting this feeling be; all feelings be welcome.”

Next post, I’ll share more about how to process your feelings.