I watched Oprah + Viola: the Netflix Special Event. Oprah said that she thought she grew up poor until she heard Viola’s story of being poor.
I thought this was interesting b/c while we don’t want to compare and despair, we can compare to find what we DO have. And it can help lead us to compassion for others.
I love to find evidence; to prove it. We can draw any conclusion we want, positive or negative, and find evidence for either or both conclusions. (Like a Google search- put whatever you want into the search bar & you will find evidence to support it.)
Here’s how Oprah could compare her childhood to Viola’s: I was poor but not as poor as she was. I had running water. She didn’t. I was able to bathe. She wasn’t. I had plaster on the walls of my house. She didn’t. I always had a roof over my head. She didn’t.
There is always someone who has it worse off than you, even though it might not feel like it. So, if you’re going to compare, at least do it in a way that helps you see what you do have; in a way that better serves you.
Have you heard Brene Brown’s explanation- trust is like a marble jar? If not, you can Google it, but briefly: her daughter’s 3rd-grade teacher had a jar where if the kids made great choices together, the teacher added marbles. If they were not making great choices, the teacher took out marbles. And when the jar was filled up, there was a celebration for the class.
Brené explains that trust is built in very small moments that are accumulated, similar to how the kids’ good behavior filled up the marble jar.
This is also how we build self-trust.
How often are you making plans & promises to yourself & not showing up, following through, or doing the thing?
If it was a friend, you might make plans to meet at the gym, walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes & catch up over green juices afterward, but she doesn’t show up. So you give her another chance. She doesn’t show up again. How about a third- this time, you say- for reals, you have to show up, or I’m not hanging out with you anymore; I can’t be bothered. And she doesn’t show up. Now, you’re done; you stop making plans with her.
If it’s you, you might make plans with yourself to go to the gym, walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes & have green juice afterward, but you get busy & don’t go. You try again but don’t show up again. So, you give yourself a third chance, & this time you say to yourself- for reals, you have to show up, or I’m not… what? You can’t not hang out with yourself; you’re stuck with yourself, but you’ve also given up on yourself.
You can build your self-trust by filling up your own marble jar.
Start by making small, easy promises to yourself, & keeping them- no matter what.
Do something easy- 5 minutes or less. Don’t spin about, “what is the exact thing I’m going to promise myself to do?” Just pick something easy, plan it, and when the time comes- do it- no matter what. Then celebrate that you did it.
Over time, keeping your promises to yourself will get easier. This is because you will keep showing up for yourself & have learned to trust yourself.
I met a dear friend for coffee today & one thing I heard her say that rings true for so many of my clients & me is- wanting to feel safe & secure.
So many of us hold ourselves back for just this reason. We love guarantees & clear directions, & worry about causing suffering for others.
It’s so normal to feel this way- it’s simply our negativity bias trying to keep us alive.
The power is in knowing this… then uncovering your fears, mitigating them, seeing that it IS possible, being willing to be uncomfortable & take action anyway.
My friend believes that the more we do hard things, the more empowered we are to do (more) hard things.
A few years ago, I wanted to take a road trip alone. But I didn’t think it was possible. I couldn’t leave work for that long. I wasn’t sure my car was reliable. It was maybe dangerous. It generally felt irresponsible & not possible. It certainly did not feel safe & secure.
But I really wanted to go, so I broke it down.
How could I mitigate my fears if I did take this trip?
I could talk to my boss about what working remotely for three weeks would look like & see if it would be possible. I could get my car tuned up & do my best to dial it in. I could bring my dog with me for protection.
The more I addressed each piece, getting specific & mitigating my fears, the more I saw this trip was, indeed, possible & exactly how I could do it while also feeling safe & secure!
Finally, it was time to leave- the car was packed & I was on my way, literally backing out of the garage. I suddenly did not feel so safe & secure; I was terrified. But I was willing to feel uncomfortable & take action anyway, so I kept driving, barely able to see through my tears.
Sure enough, the trip was a blast. I felt amazing & surely was empowered to do more hard things that now don’t seem so hard.
And you can do so, too: Uncover your fears. Mitigate them. See that it IS possible. Be willing to be uncomfortable & take action anyway.
If you are not sure that coaching is for you, CLICK HERE to book a FREE Discovery Call, where you will discuss what coaching is and isn’t, determine what you would love to get out of your time together, and if &/or how Christine might provide support.
Right when you think things can’t possibly get worse, they do.
One of my clients, who is a manager, would just shrug her shoulders at all the changes & think to herself, well, this is bad; it can’t get worse than this.
But then it did.
She had a laundry list of all the changes.
Each one alone could take someone out, but then there were 3, 4, 7 significant things simultaneously.
It was a lot.
She was upset that she lost both her boss and her boss’s boss at the same time. (One retired, and the other took a different position within the same organization.)
She was worried. She felt like she had lost a layer of protection. She wondered if her new boss would like her and if she would like them; she would have to start over. She was nervous about working with her new boss- would they change her work hours, approve her vacation time, or micromanage her? Would more responsibilities fall to her? She had more questions than answers. These concerns kept her up at night. All the unknowns were daunting, and she was exhausted before stepping in the door.
Through coaching and examining this scenario, she could see that she was worried about things that weren’t happening to her right now, so the first thing here was for her to stay present. This realization alone relieved her, and she could focus on other things.
She saw that her new boss might bring about new opportunities and contributions to both her and the organization. Likely they would have different experiences that would lend to a diverse work experience. Under this person, she might have new growth and learning opportunities, and she loved to learn. Her excitement allowed her to be excited about her old boss’s next adventures, and she congratulated them earnestly.
Before the new boss started, she tied up a few loose ends, spoke positively about this opportunity to her staff, and did everything she could to set them up for success.
Finally, with her worries settled, she could rest better, she had more brain space to think at a higher level, and her relationship with her new boss started on the right foot.
If you are not sure that coaching is for you, CLICK HERE to book a FREE Discovery Call, where you will discuss what coaching is and isn’t, determine what you would love to get out of your time together, and if &/or how Christine might provide support.
You wonder if you’re doing it “right,” if your boss thinks you’re a good employee, if your coworkers think you help enough, if the doctors think you take good care of their patients.
You even question yourself, wondering how in the heck you’ve made it this far.
And then it’s the change of shift; time to report off. And you think- I barely held it together for these 12 hours, and now they will for sure find out that I don’t know what I’m doing.
And yet, you ARE doing a good job.
Your boss asks you how your day is, gives you opportunities, & good scores on your annual reviews. Your coworkers thank you for your help & offer to help you, too. The doctors collaborate with you in their patient’s care, asking for your input.
And yet you are anxious and worried about what they think.
But this does not have to be a problem. Just look at the data.
All of your patients are alive & well. You dispensed all of the medications correctly during your shift. All the dressing changes were done & documented. You don’t have any outstanding call lights. One of your coworkers recently commented that you are a team player. The doctors continue asking for your assistance & input.
The data doesn’t lie.
After that, how you feel about the job you do is mainly up to you– and where you choose to focus.
If you are not sure that coaching is for you, CLICK HERE to book a FREE Discovery Call, where you will discuss what coaching is and isn’t, determine what you would love to get out of your time together, and if &/or how Christine might provide support.
In the last post, we discussed three things we can do with an emotion- resist, react to, or distract from them.
Today we’re going to talk about feeling & processing your emotions.
Sometimes it behooves us to feel a feeling. When we experience something fun, we want to feel joy. When we experience loss, we want to feel sad. It’s beneficial to experience grief for a while, but you might be ready and want to move on from it at some point.
To process our emotions, we first let them be without judgment, opinions, or “shoulding.” You can take a deep breath & just say to yourself, “I’m not resisting, reacting to, or distracting from this feeling. I’m just letting it be, and all feelings are welcome.”
Then describe what you’re feeling in your body. You are not repeating your thoughts; you’re not saying why you feel this way; you are simply describing what you are feeling. Name it. What color is it, and what shade? What shape is it? Where do you feel it in your body? How does it move or vibrate? What is its wavelength like (as if you can measure it with an EKG)? What is its texture? What is its temperature?
I recently experienced what I would call sadness with a side of anger. My community lost someone special. I was sad, & mad- questioning, why him? Why now? Why this way? And why did we have to lose one of the good ones? [Even in just reading this, how does that feel to you? Not good, right?] So, after feeling my sadness & anger for a while, I was ready to process it. This emotion was dark purple; to me, sadness is blue, & anger is red, making purple. It was dark because there was a lot of it. It was square-shaped & in my throat (I happen to carry a lot of emotion in my throat, often, my feelings get “caught up” in it.) It didn’t move or vibrate; it was heavy, like a brick. The wavelength was flat- no vibration or electricity. The texture was that of a brick, too, with uneven surfaces, scratchy and catching. The temperature is warm- hot.
Give it a try. Describing your emotions separates you from them. As the observer of your emotion, you are not your emotion. And as you describe your emotions, they dissipate, seemingly vanishing into thin air.
What are your thoughts about feeling your feelings & processing your emotions?
When we don’t feel our feelings, they take over our day.
When we resist them, they get worse. My favorite analogy for this is holding a beachball underwater. When you let go, it pops up out of the water. Or, you could just hold that beach ball in your hands; it’s easy & light, & there is no pressure. We spend tremendous time, energy, & effort resisting our emotions when we could instead learn to process them.
The second thing we do with our emotions is to distract from them. We avoid feeling them by scrolling, snacking, or overshopping; even seemingly productive things like going for a walk, working, or organizing helps us not feel a feeling because we are focused elsewhere. (Does anyone else suddenly need a long hot bath when facing something uncomfortable? No, just me?)
Another thing we do with an emotion is react to it. We think feeling a feeling means we have to react to it, like yelling when we feel angry, smiling when we feel happy, or crying when we feel sad. But this is not true. It is possible to feel a feeling & not react to it; in fact, many of us do this regularly. For example, you could yell at your children one second & then answer your phone with a sweet “Hello,” the next. Or you might have a challenging work day but leave that behind to enjoy an evening out with friends. Likewise, it is possible to sit, feel angry (or sad or mad or happy), & not show it at all.
The last thing we can do with an emotion is to feel it, then decide to process it if it’s a feeling we no longer want to feel.
We do this by first letting it be. We are not resisting, reacting, or distracting; the emotion just is. (This is what I mean when I say that all feelings are welcome.) There is no opinion, no judgment, no should or shouldn’t-ing. We do this by taking a big breath from our heads to our toes. And if you’re a person who hates to ‘just take a breath,’ like I used to, you can say to yourself, “I’m not resisting, I’m not reacting to, I’m not distracting from, I’m just letting this feeling be; all feelings be welcome.”
Next post, I’ll share more about how to process your feelings.
First, there is no love without grief. If you are grieving, it’s because you loved in the first place.
As painful as it is, grief is a feeling that serves us. I often talk about changing our thoughts, so we feel better, but sometimes feeling sad is what serves us best at that moment. Grief is a normal part of healing, and it is OK to be sad.
There is no “right way” to grieve. We have an unrealistic expectation that it’s linear. “First we do this.. then we do that… eventually we accept and feel better.” This is simply not true. We zig-zag. In one moment we feel better and in the next, we don’t.
Not only is grieving not linear but there isn’t only one way to grieve. The beauty of being human is that we are all different. We think, feel, and act differently; we grieve differently. We even grieve differently from one from moment to the next. What one person needs or wants in their grief may not necessarily work for someone else. If you don’t know what to say, you can simply offer: I care about you. I’m sorry this is happening. I’m here for you.
Give yourself (and others) the space to process emotions— all feelings are welcome. Do your best to feel your feelings. While rounding this morning, I saw people saying they are not OK while holding space for others to share that they are not OK, too— what a great example of being truthful, feeling their feelings, and supporting others.
Lastly, talk about it. Share your experience, tell your story, share some memories, and share a laugh if you’re so inclined (because that is especially easy when talking about Shane, isn’t it? <3). Talking helps to process emotions, and there is relief in sharing with the collective, especially in a tight-knit community like Logan Health Whitefish.
If you’d like coaching or just support with your grief, you can book a Logan Health Whitefish Employee Coaching Session by clicking the link below. I am here to support you.
As a reminder: our brains are organs that think just as our hearts beat and our stomachs digest.
We don’t tell our brains to think. Thank goodness, right? Because otherwise, we would spend our whole day telling our bodies to function; we would get nothing else done!
But how liberating is it to think that all the negative chatter is just our brains doing their job trying to keep us “safe”?
And we determine what is & isn’t “safe,” what is & isn’t serving us, & what we do & don’t want to engage with.
True story: I was at a networking event the other day & after introducing myself to the group, someone asked me, “Can I ask, why nurses?”
My brain thought: she wants to know why I’m networking with a group of entrepreneurs & why I won’t coach them [entrepreneurs]; there are no nurses here, so why am I here?
Please note, all she said was the words: can I ask, why nurses?
Guess where that thought came from? ME!! I had that thought. My brain was trying to keep me “safe,” in my lane, and everything status quo- asking me- why are we going to this again? (Status quo is where our brains feel safest.)
At first, I bought it and felt defensive. I blabbered a brief answer about how I can easily talk to nurses because I am one; I speak their language.
But then, I caught myself & questioned that thought a little deeper- she just asked- why nurses?
I asked my brain, “Brain, why do we coach nurses?”
Because I care deeply about healthcare providers– they care. They actually do give a crap about their patients and the well-being of others. If they are upset or crabby, it’s because that care has been beaten out of them. They are exhausted and overwhelmed, but they still care, or at the very least, they want to care still. I help healthcare givers take care of themselves, so they can live lives they love and better serve their patients.
Next time someone asks you a question & you feel defensive, take a beat. Don’t let your brain feel defensive b/c of some story you are attaching to the question. Instead, consider their words, consult with your brain & answer their question.
