Author: Christine Seager

I’m doing a workshop on goal setting for 2022, and a significant part of reaching your goals is being willing to fail.

As children, we’re taught not to fail in school- if we fail our exams, we will get low grades and not graduate or move onto the next level (not to mention getting into trouble with parents & teachers).

As adults, failure is a necessary part of life! Think about learning how to do anything- drive a car, ski or snowboard, or ride a bike.

When I learned how to cross-country ski, I already knew downhill, but I still struggled to learn this new way. I couldn’t quite figure out how to GO without gravity on my side. And my cross-country skis were longer & more awkward than my downhills. So I fell, again and again, getting increasingly frustrated. At one point, I started crying out of frustration, and then I was laughing at my ridiculousness- now crying and laughing at the same time.

Could you imagine if the first time I fell, I just packed up & left? I would have never learned, and I love XC skiing. I would have missed out on years of enjoyment.

The same is true for any new endeavor. Are you starting a new job, new position, or taking on a new role? Are you learning a new skill or a new sport? Are you learning how to run your side business, make more money, lose weight or be more physically active in a sustainable way? If not, no problem- it’s new to you.

You are LEARNING how to do the thing, and “failure” is part of it. Instead of focusing on failure, focus on LEARNING and the courage it takes to learn something new.

I often hear from my clients that they want something…
To feel confident, for example.
To make more money.
To be a better manager.

I usually respond with- Great! What might that look like to you?

They go blank.
They don’t know.
Sometimes, they’ve never really thought about that specifically before.

Of- course, it isn’t easy to OBTAIN something when you don’t know what IT is!

The first step to reaching any goal is naming it, then being very specific, visualizing what, exactly, that would look like for you.

What does “confidence” mean to you?
What might that look like to you- in your life?
How might you be willing to demonstrate ‘confident’ in your life?

How much money would you like to make?
How many more hours could you work or how many more products would you have to sell?
How could you do that? What are your options?

Same with being a better manager… what does that look like to you?
Specifically, for your job?
What are some ways you could demonstrate being a better manager right now?

Go do that!

Did you know you are your own best mentor? Yes, your future self has all of your answers. Just imagine who you are in your future and then ask your future self questions.

Get to know your future self with a few questions:
What are you like? What have you created? What is your life like? What has come into your life? What have you let go of? Describe your day-to-day life- what do you do on your days off, and what do your workdays look like? What trips have you booked or taken? How do you feel about yourself? What thoughts are you thinking, and how do those thoughts feel?

It might be helpful to start with what you know. If you’re interested in “meeting” your future business self, start with the Life’s Intention that is most meaningful for you. Perhaps to be a contributor to your community or to be a well-respected professional. Then, imagine what you are doing 5 or 10 years from now. What are you wearing? Who are you meeting? How do you answer the age-old question: what do you do? What are your children doing? Where are you living? What does your kitchen or your office look like?

At some point, you will feel a shift. You can actually see yourself doing the things you are imagining. It will feel like more than just randomly making up stuff. It will begin to feel more real. “Yes, I can see myself doing that. Yes, that would be amazing to do. Yep, this is becoming more clear.”

The more details and specificity, the better.

So, now that you have met your future self start asking questions from where you are now. How did I get there? Should I take this opportunity or not? What is the best way to go about doing this?

Just ask your future self & see what comes up. You truly can be your own best mentor; you just have to know how.

Hey, the holidays are fast among us; Thanksgiving is this week. 

While it’s supposed to be a time of togetherness, joy, & love, this time of year often brings stress, pressure, and upset. 

Sometimes words are exchanged, and those words might sting, but they don’t have to. 

You get to choose what you make everything mean. 

Words are just words. [I know- say what?] But, think about that for a minute. Words really are just words. You get to decide what you make those words mean. 

If someone says something and you get offended, it’s because you worry that there is truth in it.

For example, if someone said, “You’re a blonde” (but you are actually a brunette), you would laugh at the ridiculousness of it. Because those words hold zero water, they wouldn’t bother you at all; you would think- this is simply ridiculous. 

What if someone said, “You’re stupid.” Hmmm… these words *might* hold water. You’re questioning- am I stupid? Why do they think I’m stupid? What did I say or do to make them think I’m stupid? 

But, if you believe that you are not stupid, just as strongly as you believe you are not blonde, then these words would hold zero water and wouldn’t bother you at all. You would think- this is simply ridiculous.

What if you didn’t believe it was true? 

What if you found evidence to show yourself (NOT as arguing points to your counterpart) that it is not true? 

What if you simply recognized that words are just words? 

And, that person can think whatever they want to think about you, just as you get to think whatever you want to think about you, too?

Remember last year, when you gave a talk, that public talk, & it was terrible, just genuinely awful- the worst talk ever?

And to be clear, this was not one of those- “Are you sure it was that bad? Maybe you’re just being hard on yourself…” For reals, it honestly was that bad. 

You flew through 2 hours of content in 45 minutes. You read every single word that you spoke from your notes. You never did settle in, slow down, or take it in stride. You looked up only at the very end to see where you were going to walk off stage. And your audience consisted of four people— including your mother & one of her friends. It was your first live presentation & the thought that anyone from anywhere could be watching at any time terrified you. Your performance showed as much. 

A few hours (days, hours, whatever) later, you were able to put down regret & pick yourself back up. You listened to Brené Brown’s talk about vulnerability hangovers, reminded yourself that it’s a thing, & found solace in the realization that you would likely never give a talk that badly ever again. Probably. It was over now; it wasn’t pleasant, but you survived. 

Fast forward a year later. You have a fantastic opportunity to give not one but two talks. While your audience is limited, it’s still possible that anyone from anywhere could watch at any time, but this thought no longer terrifies you. Instead, you are calm, cool, and collected. You are prepared; you BRING it. 

Why? What’s different? 

For one, as previously mentioned, you chose to believe you could never give a talk as bad ever again, & you created this reality for yourself.

Also, you remember that if you ever did have a similar experience, you would be OK; you’d survive. So, even if it feels like it, you will not actually die from giving another talk. And while not desirable, you are willing to feel that bad again because you know you will be OK. 

Most importantly, you’ve learned how to get crystal clear on the value you provide to others. 

You “mine” the evidence by asking yourself: 

Why are you the right person for this? 

Why is this the right audience? 

Why is this the right information? 

What is the right dose or amount of information (how deep do you want to go)?

What is the right route (how do you want to deliver this information)? 

Why is this the right time (why now)? 

Why is this the right reason, or why does this audience need this information? 

What is the right response you want the audience to have? 

Regarding right documentation- ASAP after the talk, do a quick evaluation: what went well, what didn’t go so well, what would you do differently- so you have straightforward suggestions for next time!

You want to be a good mom, but you come home from work exhausted. Nevertheless, you are willing to be a loving family member by telling your daughter how much you love her when she’s brushing her teeth before bed (bedtime is usually a trying time for you both). 

You want your staff to feel well supported, but you don’t have any information or answers to share, either. Nevertheless, you are willing to be a contributor to your community by speaking to everyone personally, for more interaction, building support & community. 

You want more time to do what you love to do (create art), but you’re too tired after work to get started. Nevertheless, you are willing to be a creator of beauty, so this Saturday, you put an old table in the corner of the spare bedroom where you can leave your art supplies out, ready to go. 

You want more energy to go to the gym and work out. Nevertheless, you are willing to be physically fit and healthy by setting yourself up for success. You have your gym clothes in the car, your kids know you’ll be busy & unavailable for an hour, and you will go straight to the gym after work, bypassing any opportunity to get “sucked into the couch,” starting tomorrow.  

You want to be empathetic towards your patients, but quite frankly, you struggle when your ethics are so different from theirs. Nevertheless, you are willing to be a contributor to your community by giving them the best care that you can- after all, they, too, deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. 

You want to take time off but feel guilty leaving your co-workers and peers. Nevertheless, you are willing to be a visionary leader by having a clarifying conversation with your boss by Friday’s end of the day, discussing what a successful leave could be. 

You miss your family when you’re traveling; it’s not possible to be in two places at once. Nevertheless, you are willing to be a loving family member by sending treats to let them know you are thinking of them from afar. 

P.S. Don’t for one second think I don’t coach myself on this stuff, too. I do. Most of what you’ve got, I’ve had, too. The only difference between you and me is I have two years of BEING COACHED under my belt. And I spent these past two and a half years learning about myself and how my mind works. So if I can do it, you can do it, too. 

Unknown, unsure, and uncertain have been coming up a lot recently. Many people are facing this right now. (It’s funny how things work like this. When I worked in the Emergency Room, we joked that there was “special” on MIs, abdominal pain, or whatever the “flavor” of the shift was. Today’s special is on the unknown, LOL.) And given the global pandemic and how things are constantly changing— it’s no wonder!

For clarity, “unknown” is defined as “not to have (information of some kind) in your mind; not to understand (something): not to have a clear and complete idea of (something).” (Merriam-Webster.com)

Are you familiar with the fable about the Chinese farmer and his sons? Let me indulge you. 

Once upon a time, there was a Chinese farmer whose horse ran away. That evening, all of his neighbors came around to commiserate. They said, “We are so sorry to hear your horse has run away. This is most unfortunate.” The farmer said, “We’ll see.” The next day the horse came back, bringing seven wild horses with it, and in the evening, everybody came back and said, “Oh, isn’t that lucky. What a great turn of events. You now have eight horses!” The farmer again said, “We’ll see.” The following day his son tried to break one of the horses, and while riding it, he was thrown and broke his leg. The neighbors then said, “Oh dear, that’s too bad,” and the farmer responded, “We’ll see.” The next day the conscription officers came around to conscript people into the army, and they rejected his son because he had a broken leg. Again all the neighbors came around and said, “Isn’t that great!” Again, he said, “We’ll see.” [https://www.craftdeology.com/the-story-of-the-chinese-farmer-by-alan-watts/] 

Of course, life would be so much easier if someone just handed us an instruction manual. You would know exactly what was around every corner and how to handle every situation. But goodness, wouldn’t that be boring? And sure, sometimes when things are really feeling uncertain and scary, you’d welcome some boring into your life… but this is the beauty of life. It just doesn’t work this way. 

Pema Chödrön asks, “How can we relax and have a genuine, passionate relationship with the fundamental uncertainty, the groundlessness, of being human?” To which she also answers, “What if we accepted it and relaxed into it? What if we said, ‘Yes, this is the way it is; this is what it means to be human,” and decided to sit down and enjoy the ride?”  [Living Beautifully, p. 4]

Oh my goodness, can you imagine? To just sit down and enjoy the ride of life? You would have so much less stress, less worry, less time spent spinning your wheels trying to hit an impossible target. 

I know… you might be thinking: but Christine, that’s a lot. I have all this stuff going on; I can’t just sit back and enjoy the ride; there’s too much to do and too many things to plan. 

Don’t worry; I’ve got you. 

Tell me: WHAT DO YOU KNOW?  

Seriously, write a list. Take out a pen and paper and write it all down and when you’re done writing, check-in is there more? Any little thing will do. You can even title it, “This is what I know…” (I like Oprah’s line: “this is what I know for sure…”) 

When you feel confused, upset, or overwhelmed with all of the unknowns, when it feels like everything is unstable and out of your control— prove to yourself that you do know some things. 

You are so angry- at what, you don’t know.
You are so frustrated- why, you don’t know.
You are so stuck- what to do, you don’t know.
You point your finger and blame everyone else, but you need to look to you.

You don’t know that you actually have the power to make changes.
It is within you, and nothing else outside of you has to change- it is all just within you.

Read books and learn about yourself and your mind.
Really and truly practice gratitude, and you will learn grace.
Get coached, and you will learn to empower yourself.
Start small, keep your promises to yourself, and you will learn to trust yourself.
Observe your emotions, question what is true, and make empowered decisions for yourself.
Be willing to be kind, loving, and open.
Wash, rinse, and repeat.

[Photo of me from Feb. 2019, back when I was miserable. Despite the fake smile in this photo, I was too angry, too frustrated, too stuck to appreciate this nice weekend away. I was also cold, so very cold- it was between negative and single digits all weekend. And I certainly didn’t appreciate that either. Damn Mother Nature in NW Montana in February! 🤣]

A few very unofficial but important coaching terms that you might have heard if you’ve coached with me. I’m sharing here for the others to learn, but while we’re here- if you HAVEN’T coached with me, what are you waiting for?! It’s time! Make an appointment: chrisitneseager.com/book. 

The RUB. If you know me, you might know I do not love the sound of styrofoam rubbing together. Max loves it b/c he knows that’s the sound of leftovers getting in his bowl, but I do not. 

The Rub is the experience of incoherence- when our actions produce outcomes that are disconnected, inconsistent, or discordant with our values. You likely feel the experience of styrofoam rubbing together before you can articulate the words to describe it, or even before you can determine why you feel that way. Noticing The Rub is the first step; it’s a signal to pay attention, to look more closely at what’s going on, specifically, what actions you’re taking that are not in alignment with your values. 

The Warm-Fuzzies are the opposite of The Rub. It’s when something feels fantastic- you might want to snuggle down and stay there for a while. When your actions and your outcomes are in alignment, it feels warm & fuzzy. This is where you experience harmony, meaning, satisfaction, and fulfillment; it’s a nice place to be. 

You might be thinking- yes, but what about when “things” come up. How can I be/ stay/ get into a warm-fuzzy place? 

Simply by being willing to demonstrate your Life’s Intentions. 

There can be hardships and difficulties around you. Nevertheless, you are willing to demonstrate being a loving family member, being a contributor to your community, being spiritually developing, or being a well-respected professional. 

The way to get to The Warm-Fuzzies is to look at those difficulties through the lens of your Life’s Intentions, and then clear next steps will become evident. 

This one is for anyone who shares information with others. 

In healthcare, there are eight rights for medication administration: the right patient, medication, dose, route, time, documentation, reason, and response. 

You can use the same eight rights for information dissemination: the right audience, information, dose or amount of information, route (in person, phone, Zoom, email, one-on-one or group meeting), time (why now), reason (for sharing the info,) and response (did the information elicit the desired effect). Regarding documentation, whenever you share information, do a quick evaluation, jotting down what went well, what didn’t go well, and what would you do differently next time? 

[photo: me at one of my favorite places for disseminating information- my home office with my buddy, via computer with sunshine & a beautiful view.]