There was a time, long ago, that I felt like Scott & I were distant. I wasn’t sure if he thought so too, and I didn’t ask because I was afraid of the answer.
We carved out time to spend together- going on dates. We were even communicating- talking about scheduling, logistics, and upcoming financial needs, but we were not actually connected. We were doing all the things we were “supposed to” do, but we were just going through the motions.
I shared this sentiment with a friend of mine one day when she told me about 20-second hugs.
“You should hug. Did you know if you hold a hug for more than 20 seconds, it helps alleviate stress? Your body relaxes, releases oxytocin, creating a stronger bond and a greater connection between huggers.”
Huh, I did not know that.
But I knew that holding a hug for 20 seconds felt like a lot, so I thought I could start smaller- by holding Scott’s hand.
I wordlessly asked him to hold hands by offering my hand in the car or when we watched T.V.; he never said no and always took my hand. I held his hand at night when we went to bed. I held his hand when we walked. Then over time, I asked for his hand when I had something to say. Maybe I wanted to share something difficult or felt that we need to have an important conversation. So, we’d sit side-by-side at the dining room table, holding hands, talking.
When I held his hand, I did feel more connected; I also felt safer and had less pressure. My asking for his hand became an indicator that I had something important &/or difficult to say. He would take a breath (how he steadies himself) and then take my hand, and I felt safe enough to share my thoughts and feelings, worries and doubts.
We eventually graduated to 20-second hugs, and yes, those hugs do feel as good as they say.
But if you feel distant from your spouse, too, start with just asking for their hand. You don’t even have to say any words; just offer your hand.
